kellyscams

So, according to my calculations and my fear//anxiety, my time on tumblr is up in just a few hours. Really, because of their disgusting new policies, I guess I shouldn't care, but i do. I don't want to lose everything i've built up all these years and that includes friends. Some people who I sometimes only waves to every now and then, but I'll still miss them. Ugh.

Tonight, though, something hit me. It's gotten so bad at home with my grandmother and it's definitely at the point where we just can't take care of her anymore. For our own mental health and really for HER, she needs to have full-time care. Just a few ago, around two in the morning, my parents heard a commotion and thought it was the cats running around. Well, thank goodness my dad went to check ((and that they hadn't gone to sleep yet)) because it was my grandmother, on the floor, in the front porch. She'd been yelling "Hold on a minute! I'm coming!" And obv my dad asked what she had been doing and she responded that she was trying to answer the door. Meaning, at 2am she was going to the front door. Now, it'd be virtually impossible for her to open that door, but you never know. We already take the knobs off the stove every day. She's just... NOT there any longer. She's asked what she's supposed to wear for school tomorrow. So really, we all know. But it's my dad's mother and since my aunt is gone too and there's really no relationship left with the rest of his family, he's admitted that he just needs to come to terms with it.

Which is good. The only thing is, it hit me that this means having to say goodbye twice. How do you say goodbye to someone this way? She doesn't even know who I am anymore. She barely even tolerates my kids. She's angry all the time. Most of the times, I'm bitter and angry and I can't remember a time when she wasn't like this. Sometimes I have dreams where she LOOKS the way she used to, but she's still THIS way and in the dream i KNOW it's wrong and everything is chaos in my head. I just don't know how to feel about this. Everything is so fucked up and it has been for almost five years now.

I'm filled with so much anger. I don't want to feel this way. My brother, he can mostly just laugh and let these things roll off his shoulder. The rest of us are shaken to the core. She's so bad tho, that even someone as easygoing as my brother loses his cool sometimes.

The question is, what's going to happen when she leaves? Then what? Do we visit? How can i possibly do that when she doesn't even know me in the home i grew up in WITH her? This is going to sound so cold-hearted, but it would be so much more peaceful if she passed away in her bed. The way she wants. This way nothing else needs to confuse her and what little remains intact in her mind can still be around her.

Or maybe I'm just selfish for not wanting to have to say goodbye twice.